Allow me to share a few terrifying thoughts from just a few days ago:
I will never seriously consider suicide. But on many, many occasions, I've thought, "God, please take me home. I'm done here. There's nothing left for me in the entire world."First of all, relax. It's not as bad as it sounds.
I don't want to be here anymore. I'm emotionally compromised and socially inept. At 30. At fucking 30. I have no friends and no life. I don't even count. I could disappear tomorrow and it wouldn't make any difference.
Is this normal? Shouldn't I know something by now? Shouldn't I matter, even a little?
How do I start taking chances?
My mood has always been pretty damned swingy. But when I'm depressed, I become lethargic, dramatic, and mopey. I do not become a threat to myself or others. All it usually takes for me to beat a bad mood is sufficient sleep.
Admittedly, this was worse than usual. But I have a couple good friends, and new friends at that, who are keeping my mind busy, playing Magic, going to movies, and so forth.
The real strange part is that after a greatly enjoyable evening, I almost always find myself in a bad mood the next day, and vice-versa.
It's like a decaying sinusoid hit by an impulse, spiking up to a high point and then, within hours, slipping down past average to a negative point nearly as intense as the previous maximum. But from there, without further impulse, I begin to settle down.
To put it another way, once I feel emotion, it sticks around. Once I exhaust my positive feelings, the host of negative ones are still there, waiting to reveal themselves.
And I don't hide my emotion.
This isolates me from others. Either I'm not consciously feeling anything, leaving others to speculate upon my thoughts, or I'm showing a crazy, publicly unacceptable level of emotion.
But damn it, I hate falsehood. I don't like to hide my feelings. When I do, they burn inside, leaving me frustrated, angry, and often insecure.
Okay, I've been rambling for a while now. I hope this makes some sense. I just wish I had some satisfying direction right now. I'm not in pain because my wife wanted out of our relationship. I'm in pain because I'm now alone far too often for my own comfort. And nothing breeds insanity quite like solitude.
What? Yes, I am still an introvert.
Props to anyone who caught the reference near the beginning of this post. I would take that Bender over the future robot any day. And yes, my sense of humor does survive when I'm depressed. Thank God.
