Dealing with upset ISTP

When ISTP is upset, it usually means he's having trouble understanding something or that he feels misunderstood. And to deal with a severely upset ISTP, you'll need patience.



So, when your ISTP is upset, what do you do?


First, test the waters.  Reach out, see if ISTP is ready to talk.  To do so, just ask.  Don't try to guess what's wrong, don't insist.  Watch his mood, watch his reactions.  If he doesn't get aggressively defensive or bite your head off, he wants to talk, although he may not be sure how.  If he does get angry, all you can do is back off and wait for him to cool down.  Do it!  Back off.  Continuing to insist will be seen as a serious invasion of his personal space and will just upset him more.  It may even shake the trust and respect he grants you for a long time.

If he's ready to talk and just having trouble reaching for words, again, have patience.  He wants to tell his story in his own way, with his own words, taking as much time as he needs. It's not going to be a conversation and you'll need to be patient. Don't try too hard to show that you sympathize or empathize and don't try to prove that you understand his point.  Actively listening and letting him speak is the proof he wants and needs from you, showing that you care.  Once he starts talking, all you'll need to do is gently prompt him for more information, to prove you're paying attention and want him to keep talking.

ISTP fears wasting peoples' time with pointless emotional conversation.  This trait is amplified when he's upset.

If he won't talk, tell him you care and you're willing to listen when he's ready. Then go away.  Do something else for a few hours, even a few days, before trying again.  In the meantime, he will be seriously processing whatever is bothering him and will likely make a little headway and eventually chew on enough of the problem that he'll be ready to discuss it with someone else.  Just give it time and have faith.


Another note: when ISTP does get upset like this, the problem really is big.  I've felt it before, several times.  Off the top of my head:

• In high school, when struggling deeply with figuring out how to ask a girl out
• In college, when faced with the possibility of failing several difficult engineering classes
• Trying to understand all the moving pieces related to major financial concerns for the first time, like becoming a homeowner
• When my ex broke the news that she wanted a divorce

The following wiki has a lot more great information for relating to ISTPs.  I strongly suggest giving it a read, if you have an ISTP in your life.  http://istp.wikia.com/wiki/Survival_Guide_for_Non-ISTPs

Ni-Te Mother

In terms of MBTI primary and secondary functions, my mother is Ni-Te. 

In her, this manifests as frequent worry.  She thinks ahead to future possibilities, tries prepare for every possible difficulty, and fixates on dangers she hears on the news or through friends.  Then, she passes this on to the people around her.

Growing up, I would drown under the weight of her concerns, which included my difficulties with making friends and socializing.  Worse, because of my personality, I naturally think through all the difficulties that I believe I'm facing within my current situation in great detail, seeking a solution.

As I analyze difficulties and potential solutions, I may find more difficulty with a solution that points out additional difficulty, so on and so forth.  When I'm making progress, I can handle it.  That makes me a great engineer.  But when I reach a series of difficulties that seem to have no immediate solution, I get strung out as I ruminate.  When tired, my instincts naturally seek additional input and want to keep going, rather than pausing to rest. 

As I continue this endless pondering, I end up exhausted and depressed, but continue to seek a solution.  That's a Ti-Ni loop.

To deal with a Ti-Ni loop, I need to get my mind off the original trigger for an extended period.  I try to avoid anyone and anything that could relate back, because my subconscious is likely still processing and poised to thrust the problem back into consciousness.

As you may expect, exercise helps.  So does playing a game, watching television, analyzing a different problem, listening to loud music, or talking through my situation with a friend who is willing to listen.  Eating and drinking can get my mind off the topic and provide me with energy to actually do something about it. Unfortunately, it can instead lead to simply more eating and drinking.

Basically, thinking about a different topic or engaging in any deep sensory activity will help me break a Ti-Ni loop.  The real danger is when the Ti-Ni loop is so strong that I get too depressed to do anything else, especially just stop and rest.

At this point, allow me to summarize, as my point bears repeating.  Because of how our personalities interact, when my mother would try to prepare me for the future, she instead filled my head with dangers that kept my mind churning until I was worn out.  Instead of prepared, I tensed up and became too afraid to try anything.  Ironic, no?

My mother did give good advice often, she just didn't understand when she had given me too much danger and unknown information to process.  And I don't blame her for all my difficulties.  ISTP is notoriously bad at making friends and getting to know people.  We just usually end up outside, busting things up, making things happen, and getting into trouble, rather than inside, trying to quietly avoid family.

Ultimately I learned tact by applying her advice to my social life. I often still think through, filter, and edit my thoughts again and again before speaking (or posting!).  This has been a wonderful blessing, especially within my career, now that I'm quite experienced.

Now that I understand myself and my mother better, it's a lot easier for us to get along.  I've learned to disregard advice that's not immediately useful, knowing that I can always reach out to her if I need her to repeat it.  And I've learned how to lighten the mood, engage her in a game or movie for part of our time together, and keep her from worrying when she's around me.

Mom - if you ever read this, I want you to know that I truly appreciate everything you've done for me and how you've raised me.  I've turned out well, far better than I could have.  Love you.