Dealing with upset ISTP

When ISTP is upset, it usually means he's having trouble understanding something or that he feels misunderstood. And to deal with a severely upset ISTP, you'll need patience.



So, when your ISTP is upset, what do you do?


First, test the waters.  Reach out, see if ISTP is ready to talk.  To do so, just ask.  Don't try to guess what's wrong, don't insist.  Watch his mood, watch his reactions.  If he doesn't get aggressively defensive or bite your head off, he wants to talk, although he may not be sure how.  If he does get angry, all you can do is back off and wait for him to cool down.  Do it!  Back off.  Continuing to insist will be seen as a serious invasion of his personal space and will just upset him more.  It may even shake the trust and respect he grants you for a long time.

If he's ready to talk and just having trouble reaching for words, again, have patience.  He wants to tell his story in his own way, with his own words, taking as much time as he needs. It's not going to be a conversation and you'll need to be patient. Don't try too hard to show that you sympathize or empathize and don't try to prove that you understand his point.  Actively listening and letting him speak is the proof he wants and needs from you, showing that you care.  Once he starts talking, all you'll need to do is gently prompt him for more information, to prove you're paying attention and want him to keep talking.

ISTP fears wasting peoples' time with pointless emotional conversation.  This trait is amplified when he's upset.

If he won't talk, tell him you care and you're willing to listen when he's ready. Then go away.  Do something else for a few hours, even a few days, before trying again.  In the meantime, he will be seriously processing whatever is bothering him and will likely make a little headway and eventually chew on enough of the problem that he'll be ready to discuss it with someone else.  Just give it time and have faith.


Another note: when ISTP does get upset like this, the problem really is big.  I've felt it before, several times.  Off the top of my head:

• In high school, when struggling deeply with figuring out how to ask a girl out
• In college, when faced with the possibility of failing several difficult engineering classes
• Trying to understand all the moving pieces related to major financial concerns for the first time, like becoming a homeowner
• When my ex broke the news that she wanted a divorce

The following wiki has a lot more great information for relating to ISTPs.  I strongly suggest giving it a read, if you have an ISTP in your life.  http://istp.wikia.com/wiki/Survival_Guide_for_Non-ISTPs