Ni-Te Mother

In terms of MBTI primary and secondary functions, my mother is Ni-Te. 

In her, this manifests as frequent worry.  She thinks ahead to future possibilities, tries prepare for every possible difficulty, and fixates on dangers she hears on the news or through friends.  Then, she passes this on to the people around her.

Growing up, I would drown under the weight of her concerns, which included my difficulties with making friends and socializing.  Worse, because of my personality, I naturally think through all the difficulties that I believe I'm facing within my current situation in great detail, seeking a solution.

As I analyze difficulties and potential solutions, I may find more difficulty with a solution that points out additional difficulty, so on and so forth.  When I'm making progress, I can handle it.  That makes me a great engineer.  But when I reach a series of difficulties that seem to have no immediate solution, I get strung out as I ruminate.  When tired, my instincts naturally seek additional input and want to keep going, rather than pausing to rest. 

As I continue this endless pondering, I end up exhausted and depressed, but continue to seek a solution.  That's a Ti-Ni loop.

To deal with a Ti-Ni loop, I need to get my mind off the original trigger for an extended period.  I try to avoid anyone and anything that could relate back, because my subconscious is likely still processing and poised to thrust the problem back into consciousness.

As you may expect, exercise helps.  So does playing a game, watching television, analyzing a different problem, listening to loud music, or talking through my situation with a friend who is willing to listen.  Eating and drinking can get my mind off the topic and provide me with energy to actually do something about it. Unfortunately, it can instead lead to simply more eating and drinking.

Basically, thinking about a different topic or engaging in any deep sensory activity will help me break a Ti-Ni loop.  The real danger is when the Ti-Ni loop is so strong that I get too depressed to do anything else, especially just stop and rest.

At this point, allow me to summarize, as my point bears repeating.  Because of how our personalities interact, when my mother would try to prepare me for the future, she instead filled my head with dangers that kept my mind churning until I was worn out.  Instead of prepared, I tensed up and became too afraid to try anything.  Ironic, no?

My mother did give good advice often, she just didn't understand when she had given me too much danger and unknown information to process.  And I don't blame her for all my difficulties.  ISTP is notoriously bad at making friends and getting to know people.  We just usually end up outside, busting things up, making things happen, and getting into trouble, rather than inside, trying to quietly avoid family.

Ultimately I learned tact by applying her advice to my social life. I often still think through, filter, and edit my thoughts again and again before speaking (or posting!).  This has been a wonderful blessing, especially within my career, now that I'm quite experienced.

Now that I understand myself and my mother better, it's a lot easier for us to get along.  I've learned to disregard advice that's not immediately useful, knowing that I can always reach out to her if I need her to repeat it.  And I've learned how to lighten the mood, engage her in a game or movie for part of our time together, and keep her from worrying when she's around me.

Mom - if you ever read this, I want you to know that I truly appreciate everything you've done for me and how you've raised me.  I've turned out well, far better than I could have.  Love you.