Attraction

I re-watched the director's cut of Daredevil tonight.  It's waaaay better than the theatrical cut.  Even my comics-ignorant dad liked it a lot, and I only had to help him understand how Bullseye fit into the picture.  The character-defining scenes for Bullseye still crack me up.

Last time I wrote about impulses.

As an ISTP, I feel a great need to listen to my impulses and act on most of them.  When I choose not to act, if the impulse is powerful enough, I start to get anxious and frustrated as I fight the decision to suppress it.

I find that the best way to deal with such frustration is to get some fresh air.  Exercise.  Ride my bike or take a walk.  And during my journey, stop thinking and keep my eyes open.  Enjoy the scenery.  Play or interact with anything interesting that crosses my path.  Usually after 10-15 minutes, the impulse is out of my system.

Alternatively (and potentially expensively), shopping helps.  It's the search.  The exploration.  Whether on the computer or in my car driving from store to store, when I fix my mind on a target item and don't stop until it's been analyzed and purchased, I find that the original impulse has been pushed out of my mind.

Of course, the toughest impulses to suppress deal with attraction.

Back when I was happily married, I had little interest in anyone but my spouse.  More specifically, I chose to have little interest in anyone else, especially women.  I held onto my vows tightly.  So tightly, adamantly, and fully, that I never thought that I was actually harming our relationship by pushing potentially troublesome adventures and people out of our lives.  I didn't want to take any risks that could bring pain to our marriage.

But the point is, when I'm in a relationship, I'm a loyal partner. Outside of a relationship, when I look at a woman, I usually find some aspect attractive - her looks, tone of voice, bubbly personality, fashion sense, expressions, gestures, concern for her fellow man.  Something.  And before I know it, I'm convinced that she could be the one. Or at least the next one - fun and interesting now, until we're ready to move on.

When I feel attraction, I make eye contact.  I listen intently.  I converse.  I smile my wry “this-is-more-than-the-masses-get” smirk.  I laugh at her jokes.  I laugh when she laughs at my jokes.  I treat her like a person.  And I almost flirt.

I do these things because I want to.  Because they feel good.  They feel natural and right.  And they make us both feel important and special.

Then when I'm alone, I look for something we could discuss or something humorous to share.  I look for reasons to talk to her.  Reasons to see her alone.  Then maybe, just maybe, our next conversation will lead to an easy in – a non-threatening transition from discussing an interest to “why don’t we do something together sometime,” regarding said interest.

But that never happens.

Instead, I see her in person and we talk a little, yet no segue surfaces before she rushes off.  Or we meet with a group of people and I cannot overcome the blatant awkwardness of ignoring everyone else around me and cannot find a non-obvious reason to shed the others. Or I’m in the middle of doing something when she shows up and so I fumble with my words, even with my greeting, while I try to push my thoughts or stressors out of the way, clear the cobwebs from my head, and desperately try to interact intelligently.

Still such a geek…

But this is often a good thing because I’m usually over her a week later. 

But I’ve faced the situation before, in both high school and college, when I wasn’t over her a week later.  I was still interested and my attraction grew and grew over the course of months and years.  But back then, I didn’t know how to talk to anyone, let alone a cute, wonderful girl.  So those friendships tapered off as my potential girlfriend grew bored waiting for me.  And I grew lonely, heartbroken, depressed, frustrated, hollow, isolated, and finally angry at the entire world.

What happens when I run into this situation again?  Or will I even see it again?  Have I grown sufficiently to find joy and happiness during times of loneliness and to soldier on?

And what do I do if I meet the next person I’m destined to obsess over through work?  I had enough trouble trying to get close to girls in high school and college.  In this case, I’m sure I will also worry about acting professionally, fostering a healthy work environment, and not unsettling any younger co-workers who look up to me or rely on my expertise.

I probably just need to step outside my comfort zone and meet more people.  Try a few dating websites.  Or learn how to explore the city on my own.  Try some meet ups.  Figure out how to get out and be social without draining all my energy.  (Hey ENFP’s, I hear we’re a duality pair… and look at that, we both seem to spend some time on the internet… ;-) )

Above all else, I cannot allow my faith to falter.  Regardless of what I perceive, God has my back.  I can choose whether or not to listen to Him, but even down the darkest paths I tread, He watches and follows, ready to instruct, ready to help me improve myself, and ready to help me spread His word.

And speaking of dark paths, I’m nearly off, perhaps to practice my long forgotten peanut trick… I just want to briefly add the following, regarding the early days with my wife.

I felt the same attraction, the same pull towards her that I feel with most girls.  However, it was especially intense because she reacted to me in a very obvious fashion, she employed my same tricks to the point where I was on the defensive, and neither of us escalated the tension more than incrementally each week.  It was heaven and hell, bliss and torment, being with her and then waiting to see her again, not quite ready to ask her out.

What fun sensations! I'm looking forward to feeling that way again, when the time's right, with the right person.

And just in case you're looking for dating advice regarding an ISTP in your life, I'll leave you with this:

• Make sure you know what you're getting into.  We're loyal to our beliefs and usually to our relationships, often longer than we should be.  And along the way, we have a lot of potential to leave you feeling hurt and alone while we spend required time away from you, recharging.
• Once you're sure the ISTP is the right person for you, do it safely, blah, blah, blah, but find an excuse to spend some time with him away from people either of you know.
• If he pays attention to you frequently or for a long period, then he probably likes you.  But you may need to be patient (or help him out) while he determines the best way to proceed with the relationship.

But once you have him hooked, the excitement continues.  ISTP will make you feel like anything could happen.

Impulses and Magic

An impulse is a funny thing.

Sometimes occurring based on an audible suggestion or an element of one's environment, sometimes seemingly coming from nowhere at all, impulses bridge the gap between intellectual and animal, making us human.

But which impulses to listen to? And when to give in?

One cannot deny every impulse and thus lose zest, indeed lust for life.


Before my separation, I was staunch, rigid, lacking.  I only occasionally let my desires run free, knowing how damaging my unchecked torrent of emotion, sometimes lunacy, could be on my relationship.

So I suppressed it, left it bottled up, waiting to fizz over when my cap was finally removed.

And because I was holding back so much, I demanded the same from those around me, pushing away those who were too open, too free, too sinful.

Now I leave the cap off.

With more breathing room, I can give in to many impulses at home safely without upsetting anyone.  And before you get the wrong impression, here are a few recent examples of impulses I've obeyed, from the last few weeks:

• Check what my DVR recorded
• Play Magic: the Gathering
• Explore Netflix
• Finally eat that chocolate cross from last Easter
• Buy cheap cards to make a cool new Magic deck
• Verbalize my current train of thought
• Pop in a P90X disc... at 11:30 pm on a weekday...
• Do laundry
• Load the dishwasher
• Get lost acting out a daydream
• Organize the basement
• Read a Deadpool comic
• Plug in my iPod and play my "Rocking" playlist
• Play with my pet cat, throwing toys around for him
• Blog (an uncommon impulse, I know...)
• Look up more personality info
• Sing!
• Get in my car and drive, nowhere and anywhere
• Stop by the local gaming shop to chat with my friend, the asst. manager

Nothing earth-shattering. And pretty geeky, right?  But I have learned that I don't have to follow a plan rigidly to be happy.  In fact, planning definitely took a lot of fun out of life.

Now, I just kinda wander about the house when I'm bored, and I react to what I see and hear, what I could taste or touch.

And in case you're curious, my Magic decks are mostly standard legal, although I'm not interested in tournament play.  I just like the limitations imposed by only using a handful of sets.

Favorites:

• Draw/Go Burning Vengeance (R/U)
• Werewolves (R/G)
• Undead Alchemist (B/U)
• Vampires (R/B)

The deck coming soon:

• Kuldotha Goblins (R)

Other casual favorites:

• Merfolk Mill (U/W)
• Gempalm Polluter Zombies (B)
• Ninjas (U)
• Dungrove Elder (G)
• Boros Soldiers Lifegain/Burn (R/W)

And bonus, here's my favorite tournament deck (which I don't own): Obliterator Zombies (B/U)

Lucid Posting on Stress Behavior

ISTP doesn't blog well.  :)

I do what I feel like.  To be more precise, I often consider my impulses and act upon them based on a quick cost/benefit estimate.  Then, once I do something often enough, I don't bother estimating, I can just do it.

But when I'm bored, I'm not thinking about much in particular.  And without thought, I'm probably not drawn towards blogging.

Right now, I'm bored, tired, sad, searching.  But I also want to express myself.

I failed again at developing a relationship.  Initial attraction, don't pursue because we're in public with peers, think about how I'd like to handle our next meeting, when the time comes instead act awkward or too aloof, get ignored.  Rinse, repeat.  Every time.  Bleh.

If I can save someone, that someone tends to care about me.  If I don't get that chance, I can occasionally bank off the affections and respect others have for me.  And if I end up seeing a person regularly due to some daily requirement (school, work, etc), that person may come to admire my positive, sometimes mischievious or subversive attitude and explore my offbeat sense of humor.

But what I really want, and have great difficulty achieving, is to find an opportunity to be alone together so I can be myself, joke openly without competition, and manipulate the flow of conversation.  It only takes one great, meaningful interaction to form a lifelong connection.  What can I do to make this happen more often with people I care about?

At this moment, I'm at a point where my stress behavior starts to take over.  For example, I'm currently sitting alone, thinking through potential solutions to a problem I perceive: being alone and bored and not being understood.  The following link, although work-focused, has a nice analysis of ISTP stress behaviors: http://www.teamtechnology.co.uk/myers-briggs/istp.htm

This site also describes another interesting concept, the ISTP shadow personality that takes over under times of great duress.  I'm not quite there yet.  When I feel my shadow, it leaves me with inappropriately intense feelings for someone else or a hopeless depression that leaves me near tears.  Sometimes both.

I've been typing long enough that I'm not bored anymore.  Instead, I'm reading and re-reading my post before I make it public.  I find it difficult to strike the right balance between baring raw thoughts and making sure the information I post can't be used against me, should someone learn my identity.  What?  Shut up - it could matter.  And privacy is a big deal to me.  :)

There it comes - I'm getting tired now and my shadow is sneaking up.  I'm starting to get depressed and feel like it's hopeless, like I'm truly alone and that no one will ever understand me.  I feel like I'm back in high school again.

The funny thing about tired for me is that feeling tired doesn't make me want to go to bed, like I should.  Instead, I fight sleep with every instinct and subconscious desire.  I seek one last fulfilling sensation.  Just one more google search.  Just read one more topic on a message board.  Just read one more article on some news website.  Just beat one more level in whatever game I'm playing.  Just one more pass through the document I'm writing.

I fall into a zone of consciousness without thought, merely activity. And it's never enough.  I fall into repetition with each iteration less satisfying than the previous.

Bah.  Sick of typing, sick of generating content, bored with re-reading my post.  Do other ISTPs get like this?  Is it just me?

The Separation

A little more therapy today.  Here's a big one from the ISTP Personality Page:

• Able to leave a relationship with relative ease once it is over

They mean it, even on the grandest scale.

It's been several months since my wife broke the news that she's leaving me.  I struggled for two weeks coming to terms with it, but by the time those two weeks were up, I was over it and ready to move on.  I want to talk about what happened during those two weeks and the core differences that caused our separation.

When I first learned that she wasn't happy, she didn't share the finality of her decision.  She sugarcoated it and made it sound like there was still hope of pulling our marriage back together.  But that wasn't the truth.  She had known for a few months that she wanted to move on and she was just breaking it gently.

I could have been angry, I could have pointed out her own deficiencies to show her that she needed me, I could have broken down into an emotional heap. 

But that's not me.  I reacted by acknowledging that a major problem existed in our relationship, talking through it with her to help understand our struggle in greater detail, and doing everything I could to show her that I cared and wanted to fix that which was broken.

But we communicate differently.  I show that I care through the actions I take to support you, through sharing private activities with you, through giving you my attention and listening attentively, and when it's appreciated, through discussing your problems with the intent of identifying next steps that will lead to a positive solution.

She shows that she cares through providing comfort, discussing your problems with you, and through opening up on topics she usually keeps private.  This typically means analyzing other people to determine why they act as they do, likely as a means to vent frustration, to better understand human nature, and to determine how she can help.  I also kinda get the impression that might very well enjoy it.  A lot.

That's the main issue.  When she wanted to talk about people, I wanted to stop talking altogether and go do something fun with her.  But I cared about her enough to give my attentive ears.  Then she'd go on and on and eventually I would reach my limit for discussing esoteric personality conflicts, enter problem solving mode, and start giving unwanted advice.  Through observing her facial expressions, I could determine if she was paying attention to me and actually considering what I had to say.  If not, I would get bored and frustrated and look for a way out.  And God help me if I should crack a joke to lighten the mood and make the conversation tolerable, if not fun.

Rinse and repeat over the course of many years and eventually she stopped herself from bringing problems to me.  I don't blame her, without that, there wasn't a whole lot of substance to keep us talking, only family business, shared hobbies, and general plans for the future.  We restrained our personalities to keep the relationship comfortable.  And we were without a long-time objective observer who could help us notice these changes.

Then she started pushing back our plans.  That should have thrown major warning flags, but when I confronted her I foolishly took her words at face value.  She always had a reason for pushing back and I think she believed every reason she could identify.  But her subconscious was already gnawing at her, telling her it was time.

So during the two weeks after she broke the news, we discussed the above in great detail, slowly and gently.  I understood.  We agreed that our personalities didn't match up well.  We acknowledged that our desire for each other and for life itself had diminished.  But even when I learned how empty her heart truly was for me, I was still willing to fight.  I cared about her deeply and I was invested in the future we had discussed so many times.  But it was up to her.  My number one priority was to keep her safe and lead her back to health.  Of secondary concern was keeping our friendship healthy and alive through what would surely be an exceptionally trying time.  And finally, God willing, I wanted all of this to continue within our marriage.

Two out of three ain't bad.

Months later, I stand before you separated from my wife, but still on friendly terms.  We see each other two to three times each week and discuss our situation, the splitting of property, future dating weirdness, current gaming group weirdness, and so forth.  And we continue to share idle chatter regarding fun geek properties - the same sorts of conversations we've always had over the years (on many of the same topics that originally drew my attention towards her).  And we've both been reading through Personality Page and have studied our types.  What a revelation.

Now I know in my heart that it's over.  And I feel like I'm truly being myself with her for the first time, rather than hiding behind who I'm "supposed" to be or who I need to be to keep from upsetting her.  I joke and skirt around issues to be playful, rather than to evade and hide what I thought were worthless opinions.  And this has carried over into all aspects of my life.  I feel more comfortable and capable at work.  I feel sharp and bold whenever I'm out in the world.  Now that she's gone, I finally feel like my home is a refuge of peace, growth, and general wellbeing.

I'm me. And now I'm finally strong enough to be myself.