ISTP doesn't blog well. :)
I do what I feel like. To be more precise, I often consider my impulses and act upon them based on a quick cost/benefit estimate. Then, once I do something often enough, I don't bother estimating, I can just do it.
But when I'm bored, I'm not thinking about much in particular. And without thought, I'm probably not drawn towards blogging.
Right now, I'm bored, tired, sad, searching. But I also want to express myself.
I failed again at developing a relationship. Initial attraction, don't pursue because we're in public with peers, think about how I'd like to handle our next meeting, when the time comes instead act awkward or too aloof, get ignored. Rinse, repeat. Every time. Bleh.
If I can save someone, that someone tends to care about me. If I don't get that chance, I can occasionally bank off the affections and respect others have for me. And if I end up seeing a person regularly due to some daily requirement (school, work, etc), that person may come to admire my positive, sometimes mischievious or subversive attitude and explore my offbeat sense of humor.
But what I really want, and have great difficulty achieving, is to find an opportunity to be alone together so I can be myself, joke openly without competition, and manipulate the flow of conversation. It only takes one great, meaningful interaction to form a lifelong connection. What can I do to make this happen more often with people I care about?
At this moment, I'm at a point where my stress behavior starts to take over. For example, I'm currently sitting alone, thinking through potential solutions to a problem I perceive: being alone and bored and not being understood. The following link, although work-focused, has a nice analysis of ISTP stress behaviors: http://www.teamtechnology.co.uk/myers-briggs/istp.htm
This site also describes another interesting concept, the ISTP shadow personality that takes over under times of great duress. I'm not quite there yet. When I feel my shadow, it leaves me with inappropriately intense feelings for someone else or a hopeless depression that leaves me near tears. Sometimes both.
I've been typing long enough that I'm not bored anymore. Instead, I'm reading and re-reading my post before I make it public. I find it difficult to strike the right balance between baring raw thoughts and making sure the information I post can't be used against me, should someone learn my identity. What? Shut up - it could matter. And privacy is a big deal to me. :)
There it comes - I'm getting tired now and my shadow is sneaking up. I'm starting to get depressed and feel like it's hopeless, like I'm truly alone and that no one will ever understand me. I feel like I'm back in high school again.
The funny thing about tired for me is that feeling tired doesn't make me want to go to bed, like I should. Instead, I fight sleep with every instinct and subconscious desire. I seek one last fulfilling sensation. Just one more google search. Just read one more topic on a message board. Just read one more article on some news website. Just beat one more level in whatever game I'm playing. Just one more pass through the document I'm writing.
I fall into a zone of consciousness without thought, merely activity. And it's never enough. I fall into repetition with each iteration less satisfying than the previous.
Bah. Sick of typing, sick of generating content, bored with re-reading my post. Do other ISTPs get like this? Is it just me?
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