- Able to leave a relationship with relative ease once it is over
It's been several months since my wife broke the news that she's leaving me. I struggled for two weeks coming to terms with it, but by the time those two weeks were up, I was over it and ready to move on. I want to talk about what happened during those two weeks and the core differences that caused our separation.
When I first learned that she wasn't happy, she didn't share the finality of her decision. She sugarcoated it and made it sound like there was still hope of pulling our marriage back together. But that wasn't the truth. She had known for a few months that she wanted to move on and she was just breaking it gently.
I could have been angry, I could have pointed out her own deficiencies to show her that she needed me, I could have broken down into an emotional heap.
But that's not me. I reacted by acknowledging that a major problem existed in our relationship, talking through it with her to help understand our struggle in greater detail, and doing everything I could to show her that I cared and wanted to fix that which was broken.
But we communicate differently. I show that I care through the actions I take to support you, through sharing private activities with you, through giving you my attention and listening attentively, and when it's appreciated, through discussing your problems with the intent of identifying next steps that will lead to a positive solution.
She shows that she cares through providing comfort, discussing your problems with you, and through opening up on topics she usually keeps private. This typically means analyzing other people to determine why they act as they do, likely as a means to vent frustration, to better understand human nature, and to determine how she can help. I also kinda get the impression that might very well enjoy it. A lot.
That's the main issue. When she wanted to talk about people, I wanted to stop talking altogether and go do something fun with her. But I cared about her enough to give my attentive ears. Then she'd go on and on and eventually I would reach my limit for discussing esoteric personality conflicts, enter problem solving mode, and start giving unwanted advice. Through observing her facial expressions, I could determine if she was paying attention to me and actually considering what I had to say. If not, I would get bored and frustrated and look for a way out. And God help me if I should crack a joke to lighten the mood and make the conversation tolerable, if not fun.
Rinse and repeat over the course of many years and eventually she stopped herself from bringing problems to me. I don't blame her, without that, there wasn't a whole lot of substance to keep us talking, only family business, shared hobbies, and general plans for the future. We restrained our personalities to keep the relationship comfortable. And we were without a long-time objective observer who could help us notice these changes.
Then she started pushing back our plans. That should have thrown major warning flags, but when I confronted her I foolishly took her words at face value. She always had a reason for pushing back and I think she believed every reason she could identify. But her subconscious was already gnawing at her, telling her it was time.
So during the two weeks after she broke the news, we discussed the above in great detail, slowly and gently. I understood. We agreed that our personalities didn't match up well. We acknowledged that our desire for each other and for life itself had diminished. But even when I learned how empty her heart truly was for me, I was still willing to fight. I cared about her deeply and I was invested in the future we had discussed so many times. But it was up to her. My number one priority was to keep her safe and lead her back to health. Of secondary concern was keeping our friendship healthy and alive through what would surely be an exceptionally trying time. And finally, God willing, I wanted all of this to continue within our marriage.
Two out of three ain't bad.
Months later, I stand before you separated from my wife, but still on friendly terms. We see each other two to three times each week and discuss our situation, the splitting of property, future dating weirdness, current gaming group weirdness, and so forth. And we continue to share idle chatter regarding fun geek properties - the same sorts of conversations we've always had over the years (on many of the same topics that originally drew my attention towards her). And we've both been reading through Personality Page and have studied our types. What a revelation.
Now I know in my heart that it's over. And I feel like I'm truly being myself with her for the first time, rather than hiding behind who I'm "supposed" to be or who I need to be to keep from upsetting her. I joke and skirt around issues to be playful, rather than to evade and hide what I thought were worthless opinions. And this has carried over into all aspects of my life. I feel more comfortable and capable at work. I feel sharp and bold whenever I'm out in the world. Now that she's gone, I finally feel like my home is a refuge of peace, growth, and general wellbeing.
I'm me. And now I'm finally strong enough to be myself.
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