Clever Girl

I started keeping a journal. I'll post selected entries to my blog.

4/20

I have a problem with people. They overly complicate things and take in the wrong meanings.

It's so hard to communicate.

God, I haven't talked to you in a while. I've been angry. The intense, smoldering kind of anger typically reserved for one's nemesis. Or in this case, someone whose gone and done me wrong. Real wrong.

But like the southern Baptists say, Y'all motherf--s need Jesus. I know it's true and I'm living proof of how He can change a life.

I know I would have killed myself dozens of times over without my faith. Not because heaven's closed to suicide victims, but because I truly believe there's more and that You do have a plan for me. I wish I could see it.

Holy father, what am I supposed to do?

I wish I could feel your presence. But you never gave me that gift. All I can do is look back on hard times and see where You were carrying me. And where we were both trudging through enemy jungle in combat boots, machete in hand, wearing camo face paint and cutoff vests, assault rifles at the ready. We were probably hunting velociraptors.

Seriously, why doesn't that stuff happen anymore? I want to go raptor hunting with Jesus. He'd be good at it.

I no longer believe in traditional relationships. Been there, done that, they don't work. Not in this world. We don't need them anymore.

Why do they exist? Because we needed to populate the world. Check. Done. Move on.

Gay? Fine. Lesbian? Better. Traditional? Cool, but you better be cool about it. Sixteen people ranging from 18 to 46 living under one roof, fucking and sucking every night? Be careful, keep the clap at bay and have at it.

God gave us Adam and Eve when we needed to populate the world. He also gave us imagination and fingers.

Good first journal entry. God, I'm still waiting for our playdate. Don't make me die for it.

Atkins Cupcakes

Atkins is hard.

I love bread.  I love chocolate.  I love stout beer.

Thank God I also love steak, bacon, eggs, ham, chicken, fish, and so forth.

To help sate my sweet tooth, I turned to stevia as my artificial sweetener of choice.

Here's a dessert recipe that turned out quite well!  Makes two cupcakes.

Chocolate cupcakes

Ingredients:
1/8 C Almond Flour
1/8 C Flax Meal
1/4 tsp baking powder
1 Egg
2 Tbs Butter Melted
1/2 Unsweetened Choc Baking Square
5 tsp artificial sweetener

How To Prepare:
Melt butter and chocolate to a liquid. Add the egg and beat until incorporated. Add everything else and mix throroughly.

Divide batter between two muffin cups. Bake at 350 for about 10-15 mins until fork comes out clean.

Number of Servings: 2
Appx Carbs per serving: 2.25 net carbs per cake.
Preparation Time: 20 minutes

The Sea Rages

The sea rages on, although the storm has passed.
The fish inside panic and seek shelter.
The stalwart vessels on her surface buckle against her anger.

On the shore, the waves crash against the rocks, even washing some away.
The waters carry the debris of man and beast.
The sky is dark, not daring to shine down on the violent waters below.

Man cries out.
Woman cries.
Child falls victim.
No one escapes the wrath of the sea.
A glance from the sea brings ruin.

Buffalo waves stampede, trampling mighty sailors.
There is no escape, no hiding place, only despair.
And for a time, the earth is flat.

The Rotten

Dead, dead, I am dead.


Lying cold and still.
Arms gently resting at my sides.
Hands pulled to my chest.
No thoughts, no feelings.
Just emptiness.

Waiting.
Waiting to be lowered into my pit.
Waiting for the dirt to fall upon my face.
Waiting for the dirt to cover me.
Waiting to suffocate beneath the weight of all the earth.

Then it hits.
I knew not what I waited for.
I knew not this.

I sit up, stand up, dive down.
I grasp a shovel and collapse the walls upon me.
I laugh a hideous maniac repetition.
I find joy beneath the weight of all the earth.

Then I realize my position.
I struggle.
I gasp for new air that I do not yet need.
I long for rebirth, but it is out of reach.
Instead, I panic and seek out grubs and rotten flesh.
So close to my next life, do I feast now?

I stop and look around.
The grubs already devour the flesh.
It's all rotten and full of pus.
But I do not deserve better.
I do not deserve life anew.
And I begin to wander through hidden tunnels beneath the earth.

I dismiss my death.
I dismiss my old life.
I dismiss my next life.
I loathe my purgatory.
I embrace my hell.

Death and disease are mine to command.
The rats obey my call to claw at the eyes of my persecutor.
I embrace the darkness, element of my birth, element of my life, element of my death.
There is no other constant.

Darkness, when all else is lost, I still have you.

Affirming my Path

The newest incident brings back bad memories.

I came home from vacation to find that the house wasn't taken care of while I was gone.  Without going into detail, that means my ex agreed to stop in while I was away to check on something important, but she didn't.

It was supposed to be the last time she'd ever have to do it.  She told me that she thought someone else was taking care of it because she saw someone else with house keys a few weeks ago.  Didn't bother to talk to me about it, just made a bogus assumption and left it at that.

Gross irresponsibility and indignant apathy.  Fairly common during our time together, yet I suppressed it. 

Every time I felt this way towards her, I suppressed it for the good of our relationship.  I always looked for the bright side.  Failing that, I simply ignored it and waited for the shitstorm to pass.

While I'm at it, let's paint a clearer picture.  I probably went through some of these in previous posts, but let's get it all in one place.

Here's why we are getting a divorce:

• We were both inexperienced in relationships and didn't know we weren't good for each other. 
• We were married before we knew what we needed from a long-term relationship.
• We perceived pressure to get married from family and church.
• We clung to each other and suppressed our personalities to make each other happy; instead, this led to bitterness.
• I share some traits with her father, who recently passed away; I believe these similarities confused some of her feelings.
• As we've stopped pretending, I've come to realize just how different she is from the girl I fell in love with.
• Although we're both scattered and prone to irresponsible behavior, she is unwilling to take responsibility, feel sorry, or even look at difficult emotional situations from others' perspectives.
• We were both captains.  Although we had similar goals in mind, we each had our own plan for to achieving them.  We were both too bull-headed to admit that the other's methods would work out fine.  And neither of us was willing to taking the other's ideas and carry them to fruition.

What would it have taken to make it work?

• We needed more support from people we were willing to listen to.  Friends to bitch at.  Friends to support us, shape us, and push us together.
• Big changes.  Learning to be happy with ourselves and each other.  Learning how to provide for the other's needs.
• Another ounce of attraction.
• Open, honest discussions on feelings.
• Tempering my impulsive nature while she was around.

Wife, I'm sorry it didn't work out between us.  I don't hold this incident against you.  This is just part of who we were, and now that it's over, neither of us needs to deal with it anymore.  I wish you the best.

Just go away.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNCM8IjtQ-o

Depressed Earlier this Week

Sometimes, I scare the hell out of myself.

Allow me to share a few terrifying thoughts from just a few days ago:

I will never seriously consider suicide.  But on many, many occasions, I've thought, "God, please take me home.  I'm done here.  There's nothing left for me in the entire world."

I don't want to be here anymore.  I'm emotionally compromised and socially inept.  At 30.  At fucking 30.  I have no friends and no life.  I don't even count.  I could disappear tomorrow and it wouldn't make any difference.

Is this normal?  Shouldn't I know something by now?  Shouldn't I matter, even a little?

How do I start taking chances?

First of all, relax.  It's not as bad as it sounds.

My mood has always been pretty damned swingy.  But when I'm depressed, I become lethargic, dramatic, and mopey.  I do not become a threat to myself or others.  All it usually takes for me to beat a bad mood is sufficient sleep.

Admittedly, this was worse than usual.  But I have a couple good friends, and new friends at that, who are keeping my mind busy, playing Magic, going to movies, and so forth.

The real strange part is that after a greatly enjoyable evening, I almost always find myself in a bad mood the next day, and vice-versa.

It's like a decaying sinusoid hit by an impulse, spiking up to a high point and then, within hours, slipping down past average to a negative point nearly as intense as the previous maximum.  But from there, without further impulse, I begin to settle down.

To put it another way, once I feel emotion, it sticks around.  Once I exhaust my positive feelings, the host of negative ones are still there, waiting to reveal themselves.

And I don't hide my emotion.

This isolates me from others.  Either I'm not consciously feeling anything, leaving others to speculate upon my thoughts, or I'm showing a crazy, publicly unacceptable level of emotion.

But damn it, I hate falsehood.  I don't like to hide my feelings.  When I do, they burn inside, leaving me frustrated, angry, and often insecure.

Okay, I've been rambling for a while now.  I hope this makes some sense.  I just wish I had some satisfying direction right now.  I'm not in pain because my wife wanted out of our relationship.  I'm in pain because I'm now alone far too often for my own comfort.  And nothing breeds insanity quite like solitude.

What?  Yes, I am still an introvert.

Props to anyone who caught the reference near the beginning of this post.  I would take that Bender over the future robot any day.  And yes, my sense of humor does survive when I'm depressed.  Thank God.

Dealing with upset ISTP

When ISTP is upset, it usually means he's having trouble understanding something or that he feels misunderstood. And to deal with a severely upset ISTP, you'll need patience.



So, when your ISTP is upset, what do you do?


First, test the waters.  Reach out, see if ISTP is ready to talk.  To do so, just ask.  Don't try to guess what's wrong, don't insist.  Watch his mood, watch his reactions.  If he doesn't get aggressively defensive or bite your head off, he wants to talk, although he may not be sure how.  If he does get angry, all you can do is back off and wait for him to cool down.  Do it!  Back off.  Continuing to insist will be seen as a serious invasion of his personal space and will just upset him more.  It may even shake the trust and respect he grants you for a long time.

If he's ready to talk and just having trouble reaching for words, again, have patience.  He wants to tell his story in his own way, with his own words, taking as much time as he needs. It's not going to be a conversation and you'll need to be patient. Don't try too hard to show that you sympathize or empathize and don't try to prove that you understand his point.  Actively listening and letting him speak is the proof he wants and needs from you, showing that you care.  Once he starts talking, all you'll need to do is gently prompt him for more information, to prove you're paying attention and want him to keep talking.

ISTP fears wasting peoples' time with pointless emotional conversation.  This trait is amplified when he's upset.

If he won't talk, tell him you care and you're willing to listen when he's ready. Then go away.  Do something else for a few hours, even a few days, before trying again.  In the meantime, he will be seriously processing whatever is bothering him and will likely make a little headway and eventually chew on enough of the problem that he'll be ready to discuss it with someone else.  Just give it time and have faith.


Another note: when ISTP does get upset like this, the problem really is big.  I've felt it before, several times.  Off the top of my head:

• In high school, when struggling deeply with figuring out how to ask a girl out
• In college, when faced with the possibility of failing several difficult engineering classes
• Trying to understand all the moving pieces related to major financial concerns for the first time, like becoming a homeowner
• When my ex broke the news that she wanted a divorce

The following wiki has a lot more great information for relating to ISTPs.  I strongly suggest giving it a read, if you have an ISTP in your life.  http://istp.wikia.com/wiki/Survival_Guide_for_Non-ISTPs