Atkins Cupcakes

Atkins is hard.

I love bread.  I love chocolate.  I love stout beer.

Thank God I also love steak, bacon, eggs, ham, chicken, fish, and so forth.

To help sate my sweet tooth, I turned to stevia as my artificial sweetener of choice.

Here's a dessert recipe that turned out quite well!  Makes two cupcakes.

Chocolate cupcakes

Ingredients:
1/8 C Almond Flour
1/8 C Flax Meal
1/4 tsp baking powder
1 Egg
2 Tbs Butter Melted
1/2 Unsweetened Choc Baking Square
5 tsp artificial sweetener

How To Prepare:
Melt butter and chocolate to a liquid. Add the egg and beat until incorporated. Add everything else and mix throroughly.

Divide batter between two muffin cups. Bake at 350 for about 10-15 mins until fork comes out clean.

Number of Servings: 2
Appx Carbs per serving: 2.25 net carbs per cake.
Preparation Time: 20 minutes

The Sea Rages

The sea rages on, although the storm has passed.
The fish inside panic and seek shelter.
The stalwart vessels on her surface buckle against her anger.

On the shore, the waves crash against the rocks, even washing some away.
The waters carry the debris of man and beast.
The sky is dark, not daring to shine down on the violent waters below.

Man cries out.
Woman cries.
Child falls victim.
No one escapes the wrath of the sea.
A glance from the sea brings ruin.

Buffalo waves stampede, trampling mighty sailors.
There is no escape, no hiding place, only despair.
And for a time, the earth is flat.

The Rotten

Dead, dead, I am dead.


Lying cold and still.
Arms gently resting at my sides.
Hands pulled to my chest.
No thoughts, no feelings.
Just emptiness.

Waiting.
Waiting to be lowered into my pit.
Waiting for the dirt to fall upon my face.
Waiting for the dirt to cover me.
Waiting to suffocate beneath the weight of all the earth.

Then it hits.
I knew not what I waited for.
I knew not this.

I sit up, stand up, dive down.
I grasp a shovel and collapse the walls upon me.
I laugh a hideous maniac repetition.
I find joy beneath the weight of all the earth.

Then I realize my position.
I struggle.
I gasp for new air that I do not yet need.
I long for rebirth, but it is out of reach.
Instead, I panic and seek out grubs and rotten flesh.
So close to my next life, do I feast now?

I stop and look around.
The grubs already devour the flesh.
It's all rotten and full of pus.
But I do not deserve better.
I do not deserve life anew.
And I begin to wander through hidden tunnels beneath the earth.

I dismiss my death.
I dismiss my old life.
I dismiss my next life.
I loathe my purgatory.
I embrace my hell.

Death and disease are mine to command.
The rats obey my call to claw at the eyes of my persecutor.
I embrace the darkness, element of my birth, element of my life, element of my death.
There is no other constant.

Darkness, when all else is lost, I still have you.

Affirming my Path

The newest incident brings back bad memories.

I came home from vacation to find that the house wasn't taken care of while I was gone.  Without going into detail, that means my ex agreed to stop in while I was away to check on something important, but she didn't.

It was supposed to be the last time she'd ever have to do it.  She told me that she thought someone else was taking care of it because she saw someone else with house keys a few weeks ago.  Didn't bother to talk to me about it, just made a bogus assumption and left it at that.

Gross irresponsibility and indignant apathy.  Fairly common during our time together, yet I suppressed it. 

Every time I felt this way towards her, I suppressed it for the good of our relationship.  I always looked for the bright side.  Failing that, I simply ignored it and waited for the shitstorm to pass.

While I'm at it, let's paint a clearer picture.  I probably went through some of these in previous posts, but let's get it all in one place.

Here's why we are getting a divorce:

• We were both inexperienced in relationships and didn't know we weren't good for each other. 
• We were married before we knew what we needed from a long-term relationship.
• We perceived pressure to get married from family and church.
• We clung to each other and suppressed our personalities to make each other happy; instead, this led to bitterness.
• I share some traits with her father, who recently passed away; I believe these similarities confused some of her feelings.
• As we've stopped pretending, I've come to realize just how different she is from the girl I fell in love with.
• Although we're both scattered and prone to irresponsible behavior, she is unwilling to take responsibility, feel sorry, or even look at difficult emotional situations from others' perspectives.
• We were both captains.  Although we had similar goals in mind, we each had our own plan for to achieving them.  We were both too bull-headed to admit that the other's methods would work out fine.  And neither of us was willing to taking the other's ideas and carry them to fruition.

What would it have taken to make it work?

• We needed more support from people we were willing to listen to.  Friends to bitch at.  Friends to support us, shape us, and push us together.
• Big changes.  Learning to be happy with ourselves and each other.  Learning how to provide for the other's needs.
• Another ounce of attraction.
• Open, honest discussions on feelings.
• Tempering my impulsive nature while she was around.

Wife, I'm sorry it didn't work out between us.  I don't hold this incident against you.  This is just part of who we were, and now that it's over, neither of us needs to deal with it anymore.  I wish you the best.

Just go away.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNCM8IjtQ-o

Depressed Earlier this Week

Sometimes, I scare the hell out of myself.

Allow me to share a few terrifying thoughts from just a few days ago:

I will never seriously consider suicide.  But on many, many occasions, I've thought, "God, please take me home.  I'm done here.  There's nothing left for me in the entire world."

I don't want to be here anymore.  I'm emotionally compromised and socially inept.  At 30.  At fucking 30.  I have no friends and no life.  I don't even count.  I could disappear tomorrow and it wouldn't make any difference.

Is this normal?  Shouldn't I know something by now?  Shouldn't I matter, even a little?

How do I start taking chances?

First of all, relax.  It's not as bad as it sounds.

My mood has always been pretty damned swingy.  But when I'm depressed, I become lethargic, dramatic, and mopey.  I do not become a threat to myself or others.  All it usually takes for me to beat a bad mood is sufficient sleep.

Admittedly, this was worse than usual.  But I have a couple good friends, and new friends at that, who are keeping my mind busy, playing Magic, going to movies, and so forth.

The real strange part is that after a greatly enjoyable evening, I almost always find myself in a bad mood the next day, and vice-versa.

It's like a decaying sinusoid hit by an impulse, spiking up to a high point and then, within hours, slipping down past average to a negative point nearly as intense as the previous maximum.  But from there, without further impulse, I begin to settle down.

To put it another way, once I feel emotion, it sticks around.  Once I exhaust my positive feelings, the host of negative ones are still there, waiting to reveal themselves.

And I don't hide my emotion.

This isolates me from others.  Either I'm not consciously feeling anything, leaving others to speculate upon my thoughts, or I'm showing a crazy, publicly unacceptable level of emotion.

But damn it, I hate falsehood.  I don't like to hide my feelings.  When I do, they burn inside, leaving me frustrated, angry, and often insecure.

Okay, I've been rambling for a while now.  I hope this makes some sense.  I just wish I had some satisfying direction right now.  I'm not in pain because my wife wanted out of our relationship.  I'm in pain because I'm now alone far too often for my own comfort.  And nothing breeds insanity quite like solitude.

What?  Yes, I am still an introvert.

Props to anyone who caught the reference near the beginning of this post.  I would take that Bender over the future robot any day.  And yes, my sense of humor does survive when I'm depressed.  Thank God.

Dealing with upset ISTP

When ISTP is upset, it usually means he's having trouble understanding something or that he feels misunderstood. And to deal with a severely upset ISTP, you'll need patience.



So, when your ISTP is upset, what do you do?


First, test the waters.  Reach out, see if ISTP is ready to talk.  To do so, just ask.  Don't try to guess what's wrong, don't insist.  Watch his mood, watch his reactions.  If he doesn't get aggressively defensive or bite your head off, he wants to talk, although he may not be sure how.  If he does get angry, all you can do is back off and wait for him to cool down.  Do it!  Back off.  Continuing to insist will be seen as a serious invasion of his personal space and will just upset him more.  It may even shake the trust and respect he grants you for a long time.

If he's ready to talk and just having trouble reaching for words, again, have patience.  He wants to tell his story in his own way, with his own words, taking as much time as he needs. It's not going to be a conversation and you'll need to be patient. Don't try too hard to show that you sympathize or empathize and don't try to prove that you understand his point.  Actively listening and letting him speak is the proof he wants and needs from you, showing that you care.  Once he starts talking, all you'll need to do is gently prompt him for more information, to prove you're paying attention and want him to keep talking.

ISTP fears wasting peoples' time with pointless emotional conversation.  This trait is amplified when he's upset.

If he won't talk, tell him you care and you're willing to listen when he's ready. Then go away.  Do something else for a few hours, even a few days, before trying again.  In the meantime, he will be seriously processing whatever is bothering him and will likely make a little headway and eventually chew on enough of the problem that he'll be ready to discuss it with someone else.  Just give it time and have faith.


Another note: when ISTP does get upset like this, the problem really is big.  I've felt it before, several times.  Off the top of my head:

• In high school, when struggling deeply with figuring out how to ask a girl out
• In college, when faced with the possibility of failing several difficult engineering classes
• Trying to understand all the moving pieces related to major financial concerns for the first time, like becoming a homeowner
• When my ex broke the news that she wanted a divorce

The following wiki has a lot more great information for relating to ISTPs.  I strongly suggest giving it a read, if you have an ISTP in your life.  http://istp.wikia.com/wiki/Survival_Guide_for_Non-ISTPs

Ni-Te Mother

In terms of MBTI primary and secondary functions, my mother is Ni-Te. 

In her, this manifests as frequent worry.  She thinks ahead to future possibilities, tries prepare for every possible difficulty, and fixates on dangers she hears on the news or through friends.  Then, she passes this on to the people around her.

Growing up, I would drown under the weight of her concerns, which included my difficulties with making friends and socializing.  Worse, because of my personality, I naturally think through all the difficulties that I believe I'm facing within my current situation in great detail, seeking a solution.

As I analyze difficulties and potential solutions, I may find more difficulty with a solution that points out additional difficulty, so on and so forth.  When I'm making progress, I can handle it.  That makes me a great engineer.  But when I reach a series of difficulties that seem to have no immediate solution, I get strung out as I ruminate.  When tired, my instincts naturally seek additional input and want to keep going, rather than pausing to rest. 

As I continue this endless pondering, I end up exhausted and depressed, but continue to seek a solution.  That's a Ti-Ni loop.

To deal with a Ti-Ni loop, I need to get my mind off the original trigger for an extended period.  I try to avoid anyone and anything that could relate back, because my subconscious is likely still processing and poised to thrust the problem back into consciousness.

As you may expect, exercise helps.  So does playing a game, watching television, analyzing a different problem, listening to loud music, or talking through my situation with a friend who is willing to listen.  Eating and drinking can get my mind off the topic and provide me with energy to actually do something about it. Unfortunately, it can instead lead to simply more eating and drinking.

Basically, thinking about a different topic or engaging in any deep sensory activity will help me break a Ti-Ni loop.  The real danger is when the Ti-Ni loop is so strong that I get too depressed to do anything else, especially just stop and rest.

At this point, allow me to summarize, as my point bears repeating.  Because of how our personalities interact, when my mother would try to prepare me for the future, she instead filled my head with dangers that kept my mind churning until I was worn out.  Instead of prepared, I tensed up and became too afraid to try anything.  Ironic, no?

My mother did give good advice often, she just didn't understand when she had given me too much danger and unknown information to process.  And I don't blame her for all my difficulties.  ISTP is notoriously bad at making friends and getting to know people.  We just usually end up outside, busting things up, making things happen, and getting into trouble, rather than inside, trying to quietly avoid family.

Ultimately I learned tact by applying her advice to my social life. I often still think through, filter, and edit my thoughts again and again before speaking (or posting!).  This has been a wonderful blessing, especially within my career, now that I'm quite experienced.

Now that I understand myself and my mother better, it's a lot easier for us to get along.  I've learned to disregard advice that's not immediately useful, knowing that I can always reach out to her if I need her to repeat it.  And I've learned how to lighten the mood, engage her in a game or movie for part of our time together, and keep her from worrying when she's around me.

Mom - if you ever read this, I want you to know that I truly appreciate everything you've done for me and how you've raised me.  I've turned out well, far better than I could have.  Love you.

Attraction

I re-watched the director's cut of Daredevil tonight.  It's waaaay better than the theatrical cut.  Even my comics-ignorant dad liked it a lot, and I only had to help him understand how Bullseye fit into the picture.  The character-defining scenes for Bullseye still crack me up.

Last time I wrote about impulses.

As an ISTP, I feel a great need to listen to my impulses and act on most of them.  When I choose not to act, if the impulse is powerful enough, I start to get anxious and frustrated as I fight the decision to suppress it.

I find that the best way to deal with such frustration is to get some fresh air.  Exercise.  Ride my bike or take a walk.  And during my journey, stop thinking and keep my eyes open.  Enjoy the scenery.  Play or interact with anything interesting that crosses my path.  Usually after 10-15 minutes, the impulse is out of my system.

Alternatively (and potentially expensively), shopping helps.  It's the search.  The exploration.  Whether on the computer or in my car driving from store to store, when I fix my mind on a target item and don't stop until it's been analyzed and purchased, I find that the original impulse has been pushed out of my mind.

Of course, the toughest impulses to suppress deal with attraction.

Back when I was happily married, I had little interest in anyone but my spouse.  More specifically, I chose to have little interest in anyone else, especially women.  I held onto my vows tightly.  So tightly, adamantly, and fully, that I never thought that I was actually harming our relationship by pushing potentially troublesome adventures and people out of our lives.  I didn't want to take any risks that could bring pain to our marriage.

But the point is, when I'm in a relationship, I'm a loyal partner. Outside of a relationship, when I look at a woman, I usually find some aspect attractive - her looks, tone of voice, bubbly personality, fashion sense, expressions, gestures, concern for her fellow man.  Something.  And before I know it, I'm convinced that she could be the one. Or at least the next one - fun and interesting now, until we're ready to move on.

When I feel attraction, I make eye contact.  I listen intently.  I converse.  I smile my wry “this-is-more-than-the-masses-get” smirk.  I laugh at her jokes.  I laugh when she laughs at my jokes.  I treat her like a person.  And I almost flirt.

I do these things because I want to.  Because they feel good.  They feel natural and right.  And they make us both feel important and special.

Then when I'm alone, I look for something we could discuss or something humorous to share.  I look for reasons to talk to her.  Reasons to see her alone.  Then maybe, just maybe, our next conversation will lead to an easy in – a non-threatening transition from discussing an interest to “why don’t we do something together sometime,” regarding said interest.

But that never happens.

Instead, I see her in person and we talk a little, yet no segue surfaces before she rushes off.  Or we meet with a group of people and I cannot overcome the blatant awkwardness of ignoring everyone else around me and cannot find a non-obvious reason to shed the others. Or I’m in the middle of doing something when she shows up and so I fumble with my words, even with my greeting, while I try to push my thoughts or stressors out of the way, clear the cobwebs from my head, and desperately try to interact intelligently.

Still such a geek…

But this is often a good thing because I’m usually over her a week later. 

But I’ve faced the situation before, in both high school and college, when I wasn’t over her a week later.  I was still interested and my attraction grew and grew over the course of months and years.  But back then, I didn’t know how to talk to anyone, let alone a cute, wonderful girl.  So those friendships tapered off as my potential girlfriend grew bored waiting for me.  And I grew lonely, heartbroken, depressed, frustrated, hollow, isolated, and finally angry at the entire world.

What happens when I run into this situation again?  Or will I even see it again?  Have I grown sufficiently to find joy and happiness during times of loneliness and to soldier on?

And what do I do if I meet the next person I’m destined to obsess over through work?  I had enough trouble trying to get close to girls in high school and college.  In this case, I’m sure I will also worry about acting professionally, fostering a healthy work environment, and not unsettling any younger co-workers who look up to me or rely on my expertise.

I probably just need to step outside my comfort zone and meet more people.  Try a few dating websites.  Or learn how to explore the city on my own.  Try some meet ups.  Figure out how to get out and be social without draining all my energy.  (Hey ENFP’s, I hear we’re a duality pair… and look at that, we both seem to spend some time on the internet… ;-) )

Above all else, I cannot allow my faith to falter.  Regardless of what I perceive, God has my back.  I can choose whether or not to listen to Him, but even down the darkest paths I tread, He watches and follows, ready to instruct, ready to help me improve myself, and ready to help me spread His word.

And speaking of dark paths, I’m nearly off, perhaps to practice my long forgotten peanut trick… I just want to briefly add the following, regarding the early days with my wife.

I felt the same attraction, the same pull towards her that I feel with most girls.  However, it was especially intense because she reacted to me in a very obvious fashion, she employed my same tricks to the point where I was on the defensive, and neither of us escalated the tension more than incrementally each week.  It was heaven and hell, bliss and torment, being with her and then waiting to see her again, not quite ready to ask her out.

What fun sensations! I'm looking forward to feeling that way again, when the time's right, with the right person.

And just in case you're looking for dating advice regarding an ISTP in your life, I'll leave you with this:

• Make sure you know what you're getting into.  We're loyal to our beliefs and usually to our relationships, often longer than we should be.  And along the way, we have a lot of potential to leave you feeling hurt and alone while we spend required time away from you, recharging.
• Once you're sure the ISTP is the right person for you, do it safely, blah, blah, blah, but find an excuse to spend some time with him away from people either of you know.
• If he pays attention to you frequently or for a long period, then he probably likes you.  But you may need to be patient (or help him out) while he determines the best way to proceed with the relationship.

But once you have him hooked, the excitement continues.  ISTP will make you feel like anything could happen.

Impulses and Magic

An impulse is a funny thing.

Sometimes occurring based on an audible suggestion or an element of one's environment, sometimes seemingly coming from nowhere at all, impulses bridge the gap between intellectual and animal, making us human.

But which impulses to listen to? And when to give in?

One cannot deny every impulse and thus lose zest, indeed lust for life.


Before my separation, I was staunch, rigid, lacking.  I only occasionally let my desires run free, knowing how damaging my unchecked torrent of emotion, sometimes lunacy, could be on my relationship.

So I suppressed it, left it bottled up, waiting to fizz over when my cap was finally removed.

And because I was holding back so much, I demanded the same from those around me, pushing away those who were too open, too free, too sinful.

Now I leave the cap off.

With more breathing room, I can give in to many impulses at home safely without upsetting anyone.  And before you get the wrong impression, here are a few recent examples of impulses I've obeyed, from the last few weeks:

• Check what my DVR recorded
• Play Magic: the Gathering
• Explore Netflix
• Finally eat that chocolate cross from last Easter
• Buy cheap cards to make a cool new Magic deck
• Verbalize my current train of thought
• Pop in a P90X disc... at 11:30 pm on a weekday...
• Do laundry
• Load the dishwasher
• Get lost acting out a daydream
• Organize the basement
• Read a Deadpool comic
• Plug in my iPod and play my "Rocking" playlist
• Play with my pet cat, throwing toys around for him
• Blog (an uncommon impulse, I know...)
• Look up more personality info
• Sing!
• Get in my car and drive, nowhere and anywhere
• Stop by the local gaming shop to chat with my friend, the asst. manager

Nothing earth-shattering. And pretty geeky, right?  But I have learned that I don't have to follow a plan rigidly to be happy.  In fact, planning definitely took a lot of fun out of life.

Now, I just kinda wander about the house when I'm bored, and I react to what I see and hear, what I could taste or touch.

And in case you're curious, my Magic decks are mostly standard legal, although I'm not interested in tournament play.  I just like the limitations imposed by only using a handful of sets.

Favorites:

• Draw/Go Burning Vengeance (R/U)
• Werewolves (R/G)
• Undead Alchemist (B/U)
• Vampires (R/B)

The deck coming soon:

• Kuldotha Goblins (R)

Other casual favorites:

• Merfolk Mill (U/W)
• Gempalm Polluter Zombies (B)
• Ninjas (U)
• Dungrove Elder (G)
• Boros Soldiers Lifegain/Burn (R/W)

And bonus, here's my favorite tournament deck (which I don't own): Obliterator Zombies (B/U)

Lucid Posting on Stress Behavior

ISTP doesn't blog well.  :)

I do what I feel like.  To be more precise, I often consider my impulses and act upon them based on a quick cost/benefit estimate.  Then, once I do something often enough, I don't bother estimating, I can just do it.

But when I'm bored, I'm not thinking about much in particular.  And without thought, I'm probably not drawn towards blogging.

Right now, I'm bored, tired, sad, searching.  But I also want to express myself.

I failed again at developing a relationship.  Initial attraction, don't pursue because we're in public with peers, think about how I'd like to handle our next meeting, when the time comes instead act awkward or too aloof, get ignored.  Rinse, repeat.  Every time.  Bleh.

If I can save someone, that someone tends to care about me.  If I don't get that chance, I can occasionally bank off the affections and respect others have for me.  And if I end up seeing a person regularly due to some daily requirement (school, work, etc), that person may come to admire my positive, sometimes mischievious or subversive attitude and explore my offbeat sense of humor.

But what I really want, and have great difficulty achieving, is to find an opportunity to be alone together so I can be myself, joke openly without competition, and manipulate the flow of conversation.  It only takes one great, meaningful interaction to form a lifelong connection.  What can I do to make this happen more often with people I care about?

At this moment, I'm at a point where my stress behavior starts to take over.  For example, I'm currently sitting alone, thinking through potential solutions to a problem I perceive: being alone and bored and not being understood.  The following link, although work-focused, has a nice analysis of ISTP stress behaviors: http://www.teamtechnology.co.uk/myers-briggs/istp.htm

This site also describes another interesting concept, the ISTP shadow personality that takes over under times of great duress.  I'm not quite there yet.  When I feel my shadow, it leaves me with inappropriately intense feelings for someone else or a hopeless depression that leaves me near tears.  Sometimes both.

I've been typing long enough that I'm not bored anymore.  Instead, I'm reading and re-reading my post before I make it public.  I find it difficult to strike the right balance between baring raw thoughts and making sure the information I post can't be used against me, should someone learn my identity.  What?  Shut up - it could matter.  And privacy is a big deal to me.  :)

There it comes - I'm getting tired now and my shadow is sneaking up.  I'm starting to get depressed and feel like it's hopeless, like I'm truly alone and that no one will ever understand me.  I feel like I'm back in high school again.

The funny thing about tired for me is that feeling tired doesn't make me want to go to bed, like I should.  Instead, I fight sleep with every instinct and subconscious desire.  I seek one last fulfilling sensation.  Just one more google search.  Just read one more topic on a message board.  Just read one more article on some news website.  Just beat one more level in whatever game I'm playing.  Just one more pass through the document I'm writing.

I fall into a zone of consciousness without thought, merely activity. And it's never enough.  I fall into repetition with each iteration less satisfying than the previous.

Bah.  Sick of typing, sick of generating content, bored with re-reading my post.  Do other ISTPs get like this?  Is it just me?

The Separation

A little more therapy today.  Here's a big one from the ISTP Personality Page:

• Able to leave a relationship with relative ease once it is over

They mean it, even on the grandest scale.

It's been several months since my wife broke the news that she's leaving me.  I struggled for two weeks coming to terms with it, but by the time those two weeks were up, I was over it and ready to move on.  I want to talk about what happened during those two weeks and the core differences that caused our separation.

When I first learned that she wasn't happy, she didn't share the finality of her decision.  She sugarcoated it and made it sound like there was still hope of pulling our marriage back together.  But that wasn't the truth.  She had known for a few months that she wanted to move on and she was just breaking it gently.

I could have been angry, I could have pointed out her own deficiencies to show her that she needed me, I could have broken down into an emotional heap. 

But that's not me.  I reacted by acknowledging that a major problem existed in our relationship, talking through it with her to help understand our struggle in greater detail, and doing everything I could to show her that I cared and wanted to fix that which was broken.

But we communicate differently.  I show that I care through the actions I take to support you, through sharing private activities with you, through giving you my attention and listening attentively, and when it's appreciated, through discussing your problems with the intent of identifying next steps that will lead to a positive solution.

She shows that she cares through providing comfort, discussing your problems with you, and through opening up on topics she usually keeps private.  This typically means analyzing other people to determine why they act as they do, likely as a means to vent frustration, to better understand human nature, and to determine how she can help.  I also kinda get the impression that might very well enjoy it.  A lot.

That's the main issue.  When she wanted to talk about people, I wanted to stop talking altogether and go do something fun with her.  But I cared about her enough to give my attentive ears.  Then she'd go on and on and eventually I would reach my limit for discussing esoteric personality conflicts, enter problem solving mode, and start giving unwanted advice.  Through observing her facial expressions, I could determine if she was paying attention to me and actually considering what I had to say.  If not, I would get bored and frustrated and look for a way out.  And God help me if I should crack a joke to lighten the mood and make the conversation tolerable, if not fun.

Rinse and repeat over the course of many years and eventually she stopped herself from bringing problems to me.  I don't blame her, without that, there wasn't a whole lot of substance to keep us talking, only family business, shared hobbies, and general plans for the future.  We restrained our personalities to keep the relationship comfortable.  And we were without a long-time objective observer who could help us notice these changes.

Then she started pushing back our plans.  That should have thrown major warning flags, but when I confronted her I foolishly took her words at face value.  She always had a reason for pushing back and I think she believed every reason she could identify.  But her subconscious was already gnawing at her, telling her it was time.

So during the two weeks after she broke the news, we discussed the above in great detail, slowly and gently.  I understood.  We agreed that our personalities didn't match up well.  We acknowledged that our desire for each other and for life itself had diminished.  But even when I learned how empty her heart truly was for me, I was still willing to fight.  I cared about her deeply and I was invested in the future we had discussed so many times.  But it was up to her.  My number one priority was to keep her safe and lead her back to health.  Of secondary concern was keeping our friendship healthy and alive through what would surely be an exceptionally trying time.  And finally, God willing, I wanted all of this to continue within our marriage.

Two out of three ain't bad.

Months later, I stand before you separated from my wife, but still on friendly terms.  We see each other two to three times each week and discuss our situation, the splitting of property, future dating weirdness, current gaming group weirdness, and so forth.  And we continue to share idle chatter regarding fun geek properties - the same sorts of conversations we've always had over the years (on many of the same topics that originally drew my attention towards her).  And we've both been reading through Personality Page and have studied our types.  What a revelation.

Now I know in my heart that it's over.  And I feel like I'm truly being myself with her for the first time, rather than hiding behind who I'm "supposed" to be or who I need to be to keep from upsetting her.  I joke and skirt around issues to be playful, rather than to evade and hide what I thought were worthless opinions.  And this has carried over into all aspects of my life.  I feel more comfortable and capable at work.  I feel sharp and bold whenever I'm out in the world.  Now that she's gone, I finally feel like my home is a refuge of peace, growth, and general wellbeing.

I'm me. And now I'm finally strong enough to be myself.

Gram's House and Gaming

Today, I feel like discussing my grandmother's house, gaming there, and gaming with others since then.

First of all, my parents each had fairly large families and I was an only child.  Most of my familial interactions came with my grandparents or cousins (of which I had quite a few). 

My mother's parents were saints, except that Gram smoked.  My only negative memories of that house involve hacking and wheezing.  But oh, all the positive memories...

The house was built so that the top floor was above ground level and the main floor was built into the ground.  When you would arrive, you'd descend half a dozen natural stone slabs acting as stairs to enter an enclosed porch that led into the kitchen. 

In the kitchen, every cabinet, cupboard, and drawer that wasn't filled with dishes, utensils, or pots and pans was instead filled with candy, potato chips, sugary cereal, nestle quick, doughnuts, and other treats for the grandkids (back before these things were bad for you).  Gram and Pap loved us dearly and wanted to maximize our fun and enjoyment.  And they were good at it.

One common occurrence during the summertime, Gram, my great aunt, and up to three of my cousins would play board and card games late into the night.  Since I was usually the oldest grandkid there and the most interested in what we were playing, I was usually the one to choose the game.  My favorites were cards (Crazy 8's and Rummy were the best), Monopoly, and Clue, with an honorable mention going out to Boggle.

I loved gaming from an early age.  I loved the board, the figures, the components, the chits, the dice.  I loved moving figures around and following the process for whatever space they landed in.  We played games of Monopoly with free parking jackpots and no property trading that would last 8 hours.  I remained engaged throughout.

I also loved having real people to match myself against, until they got tired (and sometimes whiney) and quit.  Even better were the gaming snacks.  Kitchen-popped popcorn with more melted butter and salt than I should have eaten in a week, 2-liter bottles of Mountain Dew or Sunkist, Nestle Crunches and other candy bars.

I would finally crash around 3 or 4 in the morning.  Then when I would wake up, it was time for bacon, eggs over easy, toast, and orange juice.  Delicious.  Amazing.  Exactly what I craved.  Still love this breakfast.

I learned from Gram and Pap that it's okay to show your love for the people you care about by how you treat them and what you do for them/with them.  Ever since they passed, I've been looking for this experience again, but it's so elusive.  Most people I've met are too busy, preoccupied, unorganized, or uninterested to unconditionally enjoy active mental experiences with others on a consistent basis.

Allow me to jump forward 10-20 years.

As a present-day fantasy gaming geek, I occasionally gather with friends to play tabletop rpgs, Magic: the Gathering, or some random board game. 

The group I think most fondly upon is my first rpg group, which met in a comic book shop near my hometown.  It was open gaming with two to four tables each Sunday. At my table, the game was typically D&D and the GM was my best friend.

The gm was a highly imaginative yet sensitive fantasy fan.  We would play a game for a couple months, get bored and ask him to run something else, and he would comply.  It was public gaming, so anyone could show up; and since our GM didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, we usually ended up with an eccentric crew of noobie players or experienced guys trying out some odd pet character concept on the kids table.

Thus, it was always a juvenile affair full of shallow but quirky two-dimensional power-gamed characters, trite plots, and random monsters in evocative ruins that always led to an amazing melodramatic midboss setpiece encounter.  It was a glorious mess and I miss it dearly.

Since then, all the groups I've been in have been flawed in some social way.  The most recent, only by having too few people able to attend regularly due to familial commitements. In short, I'm still trying to put together the perfect group and recapture the past. I'm hoping my childhood wasn't a fluke and that I can once again find meaning through activity with others in addition to my ability to find meaning while alone.

Two loose ends to tie up before I sign off:

#1, my honorable mention of Boggle - it wasn't my favorite due to its logical simplicity and small number of accessible parts.  But I did enjoy that it was unlike any of the other games we would play: quick, simple, and required vigorous shaking.  I also like that Gram was pretty crafty and could occasionally suprise me with the words she would find.  And when she did, I loved watching that priceless "look what I found" grin form upon her face.

#2: the kitchen table upon which we played is currently in my living room and it's still used for gaming.  It seems appropriate.

Until next time,

Taz

ISTP Can Do It

Back to personality page for a short post about growth and rules to live by to achieve success.  Tonight, I specifically want to discuss the following:

• Feed Your Strengths (gift at mastering your physical environment)
• Face Your Weaknesses (get into new situations)
• It's okay to get out of your comfort zone.

Together, these suggestions have helped me to grow and live fearlessly and I love it.  I feel completely comfortable taking charge now in many situations and allowing my personality to shine through.

Before I understood my type, I would have been confused and been trying to resolve situations by "normal," expected means.  Upon finally fully reflecting on my gifts, I find that I'm watchful, capable, sensible, and independent and that I have greater ability to rely upon my reflexes and values than ever before.

A year ago when I traveled work work, I hated to drive.  I felt too insecure that I would make a mistake and felt overwhelmed by all the traffic and the possibility of missing turns.  Today, I can say I thoroughly enjoy driving and being in control.  I have nothing to prove, I tend to make good decisions, I can take directions, and I'm calm and collected enough to recover from mistakes.

The ultimate example, just tonight my flight was canceled.  I rallied fellow traveling coworkers who contacted our travel department and booked us to reach a city 2 hours from home.  Then, I drove the whole way back in a snowstorm safely, yet expediently, without losing my cool.

I focused my senses and allowed my mind to react faster than I could think about what to do next.

It was easy.  It was exciting.  It was an adventure.  I'm ready for another. Although I could use 40 winks first...

In the meantime, if you participate in any hobbies that might get a guy out of his comfort zone, I'd love to hear about them.

Until next time,

Taz

ISTP Weaknesses

Today I want to talk about ISTP weaknesses.

• Living entirely in the present, they have difficulty with long-term commitments
• Not naturally good at expressing feelings and emotions
• Not tuned in to what others are feeling, they may be insensitive at times
• Tendency to be overly private and hold back part of themselves
• Need a lot of personal space, which they don't like to have invaded
• They thrive on action and excitement, and may stir things up to create it

These would all be spot on, but my desire to fit in forced me to develop social tools to bypass some of these weaknesses.

Starting with living in the present/difficulty with long-term commitments, I would say this is generally true.  I don't like having time limits (although deadlines are wonderful motivators and beating a deadline provides me with great satisfaction).  I want to enjoy each moment to its fullest and not have to worry about wrapping up my current task so I can move on to another.  I'll commit to social gatherings if I'm given a day or two of notice and have plenty of time on my schedule.  Planning becomes a game and, once I have something on my schedule, I try not to think about it or else I inevitably come up with reasons why I don't want to go.  So, I create meetings with a calendar reminder, forget about them (unless major preparation needs to occur), and allow them to practically become spontaneous.  That I can deal with.

Regarding feelings, emotions, and insensitivity, this is pretty true as well.  Like I said last time, I learned how to conform in order to fit in.  To cope, I've thoroughly studied the behavior of others, watching how people act in various situations. Unless I'm stressed out, I can typically feign knowledge and understanding during conversations in order to keep the other person interested and talking until I do understand. I also heavily emote with body language and hand gestures and I maintain eye contact with my conversational victim partner.

I'm very private and I do hold back.  There are things I don't tell my best friend.  I segregate friends to make socializing easier.  I keep my church friends at church events, gaming frineds at gaming events, my co-workers at work.  Speaking of which, it's also true that I treat work as work.  While I'm there, I don't socialize much, I get right down to business, and I don't leave until the important business is complete for the day. I also have difficulty making new friends and I tend to discount people until I understand how they can fit into my life.

Personal space: if I don't know you or if I'm stressed, I want you farther than an arm's length away.  It's that simple.  And don't touch my stuff.  Don't reorganize, don't clean.  It's my mess and I use my perception and keen memory to remember where things are located within it.  If I like you and I can observe your behavior, that's different; shake my hand, give me a hug, get close and feel free to play.

Action, excitement, and stirring things up: this is why I'm no longer happily married (separated after just a couple years).  Oh, the difficulty understanding each other's basic psychological drives definitely hurt the relationship, but my patience and optimism, her desires for peace, harmony, and the wellfare of others, and our similar ideals on how people should interact kept us together longer than we should have been.  Even after everything we've been through, even though the love required to hold a marriage together is gone, we're still best friends.  I can talk to her like none other.

So why did action, excitement, and stirring things up lead to our break up?  Because I wanted spontaneous craziness in my life.  I wanted to watch reactions.  I wanted to observe interactions.  And I do believe that peace and understanding are essential to a positive relationship, but they're boring.  It's in my nature to shake things up and look for trouble.

Saturday morning Taz with no plans and no stressors would wake up and shake up the entire house, turning on lights, music, games or television, burning "cooking" breakfast, and reveling in the fresh chaos.  My ex would cautiously wander through the house, getting a grip room by room, until she found me and requested that I shut half of it off.

And there's the problem.  Shutting half of me off.  And shutting half of her off.  We couldn't be ourselves together.

Okay, enough of that for now.  There's probably a future post in here somewhere.

One caveat, one big exception to all the weaknesses above: they go away when I'm treating my current situation like a game. To stay sane, I've played, "How many meetings can I have in one day?" "What is my conversational partner really trying to get out of this interaction?" "How close can I let someone get and for how long before I freak out?" and my favorite, "What can I do and what can I put up with that no one else can?"

Until next time,

Taz

ISTP Strengths

Hello, world.  This is my first blog post ever.  Ever, ever.  First post, first blog.  It's a difficult step for me because I'm a private person (even on the internet!) and, as my personality type indicates, I don't particularly like sharing with strangers. 

But, I'm also a geek with a lot of personality and my impulses tell me this is a go. So, it's time.

So yeah, ISTP. I'm an introverted sensor/thinker with a perceiving preference.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, check out my type on wikipedia (including a quick description of the mbti) or just read on.

One more quick link, to personality page.  This site details each type, gives typical strengths and weaknesses, and gives general career/improvement advice.

ProTip: skip the quiz and figure it out yourself.  You may bypass 5+ years of thinking you're a different type (thanks, internship MBTI and my own poor intuition...).

ISTP Strengths

• Good listeners
• Usually self-confident
• Generally optimistic and fun to be with
• Practical and realistic, they handle daily concerns
• Are not threatened by conflict or criticism
• Able to leave a relationship with relative ease once it is over
• Able to administer punishment, although they're not interested in doing so
• Likely to respect other's needs for space and privacy

All of these strengths describe me, especially the self-confidence, optimism, ability to listen, and respect for space/privacy.  The odd man out is "Are not threatened by conflict or criticism."  This is becoming more and more true as I've matured, but I was very concerned with what people thought of me while growing up. 

This had a lot to do with my family - I was an only child with two very logical and caring, yet emotionally insensitive parents.  I took everything they said as fact, listened to them without forming my own opinions, and only encountered their feelings when they were under duress (or when dad was excited about a sporting event).  When I encountered emotion in others, I didn't know how to handle it.

All in all, the world was loud and crazy and people just made it that much more random.  Making it worse, I realized I was different and felt that was a bad thing.  So, I hid inside my elaborate inner world and learned how to conform externally.  Spoiler: it got better.

That's all for now.  I refuse to commit to a schedule or even my next topic, but here are a few ideas I want to write about eventually: ISTP Weaknesses, self-confidence, formative entertainment experiences, What do you mean I'm not ISTJ?

Until next time,

Taz